Hello, and welcome to lauraauthor.com, featuring books by Laura Susanne Yochelson. I am Laura. I blog almost everyday, usually on whatever I feel like or am working through in my life. Furthermore, I love to hear what readers have to say, and appreciate everybody for their support. My first book is called Sick: In The Name Of Being Well, I Made Myself Sick. Sick is primarily on my experiences with anorexia nervosa and categorized in the body-mind-spirit genre for embracing a holistic approach to healing. You can download Sick for $3.03 on Kindle or learn more at the following links: Amazon, Balboa Press, Barnes and Noble, Goodreads, or Scribd. Also, be sure to tweet @Laura_Author!
No need to get locked into this more than I already am—he’s the one with god-speed, anyways. He should have made me out like I did him. Should have been there for me when I was struggling and REALLY needed him. Then again, how could he have “known”? His life is mostly about killing sense, after all. Meanwhile, I want to base the glue of our relationship on feelings and visions because we meet in that unique, unfamiliar fashion. To explain the world as it surrounds himself: he doesn’t have my gifts. There is a chance to show I really care and have the guts he lacks without “forcing.” He doesn’t have my answers unless I want for him to. I needed him when he wasn’t there, but I don’t have to be that person (who isn’t there) to him. Still if I really think he doesn’t care, is incapable and will land me in traps, then this is a waste of time.
Is being rejected the same as liking the wrong person? Here’s why I don’t think so.
As a tween, I liked “Tim.” I was at the top of my class in grades. He was near the bottom. But Tim seemed little–like he could be nice–and at the time I thought of myself as being insufficient and unimportant. However, it is because he was small that Tim did hurt me. Tim didn’t reject me because as I recall we did dance, but he talked behind my back, which for an insecure, vulnerable girl already thinking “I’m fat” at 5’2″ and barely 102 pounds pushed me under the line–in the wrong direction! Maybe, after all, Tim didn’t want me (I assumed he didn’t want me) because of those “extra” few pounds on my stomach! Then again, how could I possibly have expected more? I liked this boy as the consequence of my own quaggy nature–evidently, considering the fact that he had to hurt someone smarter such as myself! Following the incident in which he talked behind my back I never spoke to Tim again or even gave eye contact (besides maybe a mean look, but we barely ran into each other since I took more advanced classes). Because, the truth is, Tim got me excited but I wasn’t actually interested. As I explain in my book, I relied on the feelings crushes stimulated to escape dealing with anxiety.
Just because I didn’t get a boyfriend doesn’t mean I don’ take risks with “boys.” People wanted me to go to high school dances, but I never went to a dance again after middle school! For example, I remember a guy my therapist was convinced liked me asked me one day senior year in the parking lot on the way to his truck, “Well, aren’t you going to go the dance, Laura? You should go with us…” But I’d already gone out with his group of friends once, knew the blonde girl he was more interested in, and didn’t want to get involved.
In particular, I think it is chicken when I admit what I experience and own up to my feelings and the other person can’t. So what if he claims to be seeing someone else, then why’d he unnecessarily act interested in me? To me, this is not rejection. This is liking the wrong person. Rejection would come from the right person who apologizes, takes ownership and says, “I didn’t realize I was crossing the line. I appreciate and relate to certain aspects of you but am seeing someone else.” Not the “but we can be friends” bogus when he truthfully doesn’t care.
I naively overrated my elementary school peers, but, at the same time, they were my “real” friends that made me cool and on top of the world in ways I couldn’t ever find again. Nonetheless I was able to open up to a much softer and more eloquent Laura long after leaving those people behind; she’s the version I started out as anyways, and I mean before doing ballet. That girl who sat on the porch and looked out at the forest as she painted rocks, did bead projects with the babysitter that then got ironed into hearts and made braids out of gimp.
Beginning in middle school, but especially throughout high school, I felt under considerable pressure “to get” boyfriends. This concept consumed me. As if I’d be unworthy without them! To me, the idea of not formally meeting but potentially being around a new person I might experience an attraction to provides healthy incentive to fine-tune my appearances, demeanor, etc. regularly. However, getting a boyfriend is not necessarily a reality I’m inclined to take on. I have more freedom today because younger versions of “Laura” are clear to me without being tied up in “someone else’s.” By college I already felt older and different (enough) due to my experiences with an eating disorder to admit to myself, at least by the end of it, that I don’t want to meet someone (through school) and crave more comfort and familiarity with my own lifestyle before getting involved personally. Just because I didn’t get boyfriends doesn’t mean I don’t admit or explore feelings, if only for the sake of self-growth and drawing the line professionally. I don’t think of myself as being behind or otherwise inexperienced at life. Furthermore, because I didn’t get boyfriends doesn’t mean I discredit sexuality and don’t want love. It does mean; however, that I don’t concern myself over guys like I used to. I have different priorities than many people my age, and undoubtedly a different vision for myself too!
People were so surprised. “This can’t happen to Laura. She’s an A student. She’s a great athlete. Friends and adults like her.” But as I share in my book Sick there is plenty happening earlier that explains why I became so vulnerable to my own body, to the obsessive calculating in my head and to this deadly disease.
Two themes I cover in the beginning of Sick are the death of my grandfather and being a basketball player. The death of Grandpa Sid results in me taking on too many responsibilities. I feel there isn’t a spot for me in the family, which perhaps explains in part why I became so “passionate” about basketball.
There was generally focus on being competitive as in “the best.” This focus is due to several reasons, including the locations where I grew up and the fact that something else in me couldn’t come to fruition, which is why I had to beat others as a way to define myself. At the same time I was really good at getting people to like me but felt unwanted and excessive. I excel and become so obsessed with certain things as a way to prove that slipshod secrets are meant to stay on the side.
The other day I found myself surrounded by a group of teenagers. Seeing them made me think about the one I would have liked at their age. He appears happy and Californian with darker hair—slow growing like I used to be. By Californian I mean sunny, good-looking but not self-serving, oceanic and clear. Unfortunately, as it turns out, the more I became closed off with anxiety, OCD and anorexia, the less I became interested in “open” guys. I fell for more troubled, secretive and angry underneath types that I didn’t understand as if to express own undersurface of shame. In short, I liked boys who made me feel bad. Thankfully, rather than get involved with someone else, I first learned to stop cheating myself.
Last week I discovered Sick and I were mentioned in the April 2014 American University Magazine, in a section called “class notes” on page 42. I followed up to see if there might be more of an opportunity for me with the magazine and am eager to see what happens. Additionally, I received an invitation to a reception with the president through the Alumni Association for later this month, which is convenient timing. I also have a second interview–so check out my first at rebellesociety.com! The next few weeks are going to be quite busy, especially since I am finally being forced (in a good way) to wrap up the sign-off on my second book in order to proceed with talking more about it!